"I never knew you could hate the world so much."

Hello people.
A post after months?
Well, whatever.

I have no life at the moment.
Busy with internship.
All I do is go to work, eat and sleep.
Weekends are used for sleeping and doing my projects.
Yeah, that's my life right now.

I'm not even in the mood for Christmas.
Given that it's the ONLY holiday I celebrate every year,
Not having a mood for it is the worst case scenario.
Christmas shopping, I have no time for you ):

Anyway, I feel like everything is going downhill.
My emotions, my confidence, my strength..
Everything seems to be disappearing.

I feel like my depression period in Sec school will repeat itself.
I don't want that... I really don't.
It's not any help when the world is always working against you though.

I've been crying so often recently.
For various reasons.
I don't know how much more I can put up with.

Friends?
I don't believe in such things.
There are a rare few that stick by me even on my worst days.
Those that actually concern themselves with me like a friend would..

Let me say, friends from polytechnic are definitely NOT the ones.
If you have to ACT concerned, just don't bother about me.
I don't feel like I'm part of the clique.
I feel like an outsider sometimes.
If you don't plan to involve me, then just tell me.
I'm already expecting such treatment, it wouldn't be a disappointment.

I'm sick and tired of trying to please people like that.
It's so frustrating, having to act nice to people you dislike.
I had to go through that while attending school last semester.
Truthfully, I'm thankful for internship because I don't need to see their faces.
That's a whole lot for me.

Sometimes, I wonder what's it like to give up your life.
Is it easy? I know it's difficult.
It's so difficult to just cut away the strings and end it all.
Even with the thoughts consuming you, you need the strength to do it.
People may call those who choose to end their life cowards..
They may say that they chose the easy way out, but I disagree.

I'm envious of those who could do it.
To me, they are admirable.
It's a twisted logic on my part but it's how I feel.
You may not understand what I mean, unless you've felt that way before.

Someday, I wish I'll be able to cut away the strings holding me back.
Have the courage to give in to the pain I would feel when it ends.
Bearing everything every single day is killing me inside.
Heck, I'm probably already dead inside.

Of course, I'll continue to act strong.
I'll smile, I'll laugh.
It may all be fake, but so what?
It's my life, and I'll control it.
I'll do what I want with it.
Keep it, or throw it away..
It's my choice.

There's just one other wish I would like to make:

Please let the people I love with all my heart,
My family, my close friends..
Please let them stay healthy, save them from pain, keep them safe.
I'll take the pain for them, so protect them.
That's all I ask for God.

JaNe.